We spoke to Mary (she/her) in Buffalo, NY on June 26, 2026. Mary served in the US Air Force from 1982 to 1986, and she was honorably discharged as an E-4 Sargent. She enlisted right after high school because she didn’t want to attend a religious college her family had selected for her. She was familiar with the military, and she looked to it as a job that would serve as a ticket out of her conservative southern Baptist community.

Mary told us that she “had no clue” that she was queer, largely because she lacked access to information about sexuality in general. Once she enlisted, she slowly began exploring her identity. She remembered that one seminal moment was reading Patricia Nell Warren’s 1974 gay romance The Front Runner. She also remembered finding a “little gay group” when she was stationed in Germany. Coming to finally to identify as a lesbian felt natural, and she told us that “I was more surprised that I wasn’t surprised.” 

Just as Mary was finding her footing, however, she learned that she was about to be investigated on suspicion of homosexuality based on her association with other queer folks. She took a preemptive measure and asked her squadron section commander for an immediate discharge before she could be investigated. “I told her,” Mary narrated, “’Get me out now, and get me out with my honor.’” She had had a recent injury which allowed her commander to justify a medical discharge. The experience of having to leave the military so suddenly was a jolt for her and her career (she had been planning to stay in for 20 years).

Much of Mary’s memories of her time in the Air Force are positive. She told us that she’s “glad I served,” and she spoke with pride about her work responsibilities and opportunities to see the world. Yet her memories are also tinged by frustration about pervasive misogyny in the veteran community that often makes her service as a woman feel invisible. Today, Mary lives as proudly out lesbian in Buffalo, NY.